


if i could sleep, i'd dream of what we'd be

by ivyclub



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love, other members are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:21:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23621506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyclub/pseuds/ivyclub
Summary: He almost dropped the book he was holding in favor of hugging his friend, but he doesn’t because other people are around and they aren’t kids anymore. Even the thought of pulling him close had his fingers flexing.Jaehyun smiled, bright, comforting, dimples and all, and Mark smiled back without even thinking about it. “Sorry to keep you waiting,” Jaehyun said, grabbing Mark's hand and tugging him down the hall.So much for being kids.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Mark Lee
Comments: 25
Kudos: 92





	1. all we do is think about the feelings that we hide

**Author's Note:**

> ive been writing this for a year and some months now. when i was in high school, i realized i was in love with one of my best friends. in senior year, we fell out of touch, especially so once they got into university. and still i longed for them.  
> five years is a long time to like someone, even longer it feels because we were such close friends, and now we aren't. this is me learning how to move on
> 
> fic title from lost by eden, chp title from drive by halsey

High school was awful, Mark concluded. 

Nothing all that bad had happened yet; it had only been a few minutes since the school even opened doors to let students in, but he’s always been nervous by nature. He’s also not one to wait until something bad does happen. 

He was already younger than the rest, having skipped a year of school because he proved to be accelerating academically, and now people would poke at him for it and call him a nerd. So far, though, there was nothing to prove it would happen, as most people rushed by him in hopes to talk to their friends before classes started. Not that Hume was correct in thinking that causal events are false, but Mark has studied enough to know certain things can influence others.

People brushed by him in the halls as he stood off to the side, body awkward, and glanced around nervously. He felt crazy, probably looked it too, but he had to wait because his mom told him to; told him “ _Wait for Jaehyun honey, he’ll help you around!_ ” as she pushed his bangs from his eyes and kissed his forehead, and Mark’s mother never lied to him. 

Caught up in his thoughts, Mark doesn’t notice the built figure approaching him until he looked up to see-

“Jaehyun,” he breathed out in relief. 

He almost dropped the book he was holding in favor of hugging his friend, but he doesn’t because other people are around and they aren’t kids anymore. Even the thought of pulling him close had his fingers flexing. 

Jaehyun smiled, bright, comforting, dimples and all, and Mark smiled back without even thinking about it. “Sorry to keep you waiting,” Jaehyun said, grabbing Mark's hand and tugging him down the hall. 

So much for being kids. 

Their elementary school was divided into sections, separating the older students with the one just entering in opposite corners of the building.

They had met in this school when they were younger, maybe 7, maybe later. Mark was a soft spoken kid, a tad shy though excitable, and his slight lisp also kept him from speaking to the other kids. He always worked well with his classmates once he did start talking, although he definitely needed a little push before he made it there. 

It wasn’t even like they were in the same grade when they met; they were neighbors and in parallel classrooms during school, and would see each other waiting outside every morning for their parents to walk them down the street to the bus stop. Because halls went to lunch together, Mark would see Jaehyun at his table in his class while Mark sat in the lunchroom as well. 

But they had never talked because Mark kept to himself so much. His mother even noticed him once, looking at the other boy on the porch steps, retying his shoes. She laid a gentle hand on his back and told him to wave at him, tell him good morning, but Mark just turned around and hid his face in her skirt. 

Neither party approached first out of childish nervousness, but at some point after the first “hello” was broken, they talked sweetly to each other. Any free time they had they would gladly spend it together, at either of their houses or even in the front yard between the both of them. Even just sitting on the grass outside while they talked about what the clouds looked like or what they learned in class was more than enough. 

During school, the designated recess time allowed some neighboring grades to be out on the playgrounds together, but for Mark, it was more time to spend with his new found best friend.

“Don't you want to play with them?” Mark asked. His eyes were already watering with the thought of his one friend leaving him, but he tried not to let it show. 

Jaehyun was older than him and probably talked to other kids, and Mark didn’t want to be the one stopping him from doing that. The hem of his shirt got a little warped as he tugged on it while watching Jaehyun color in the trees red. Mark thought it was funny, even as his nervousness dictated his actions. 

“I wanna play with you.” Jaehyun replied. He turned and smiled at Mark so bright and Mark couldn't help but smile back.

And so it was set. Almost everyday they enjoyed each other's company in school despite not being in the same grade. They walked into the school together holding hands and swinging arms, and walked out the same way. If either of them, or both, were late to their bus, one of their parents would take liberty to drive them together as they giggled happily in the backseat. 

Soulmates, as Jaehyun would later coin. He heard it from a movie he watched with his mom and dad about two people who were meant for each other, and ran into school the next day after an appointment, beelining over to outside Mark’s classroom to give him a hello hug and breathlessly say "soulmates." It felt like such a natural label, hearts bound together by fate, and Mark can’t help but grin wildly every time he thinks about it. 

Up until then, and as far as Mark was concerned, the world was only as big as they were. 

The first time Mark moved, he was still in primary school, only about a year away from finishing in the district, and he nearly lost his mind at the thought of not being able to see Jaehyun anymore. 

Ten year old Mark cried endlessly once his father told him the news, babbling about Jaehyun and how much he’ll miss him. At the time, Jaehyun was already in his last year of elementary, and his parents didn’t know how to break it to Mark that they’d end up separating regardless. While an overall stressful event, they were forced to cross the bridge faster than intended. 

It took several hours of soothing words and rocking him back and forth from both parents, about how they weren’t even going to move far, just a few neighborhoods away; that he’ll still be attending classes in the same district, though not the same school. Mark calmed down considerably after, however he had nightmares about Jaehyun forgetting him once he was gone, and woke up right before his mom came to his room in the mornings in a cold sweat. 

She would pet his hair out of his face and hold him in her lap for ten minutes until he was calm enough to decide if he wanted to still go to school. Though reluctant, Mark wiped his tears and nodded his head, and let his mom dress him for the day. Even the extra strawberries in his cereal did little to lift his mood, although they got pretty close. 

He was still shattered by the time he got to the front entrance, and walked into school that morning, only to see Jaehyun beaming at him, and he broke down crying again. 

“Oh no, what’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked, kneeling down next to Mark, who was busy bawling in front of the entrance. His eyes were watering too and he grabbed both of Mark’s hands to hold.

“I-I’m mov- I’m moving and I won’t s-see you any-anymore and I miss you,” Mark stuttered out between sobs. 

The teachers had started to take notice of the hysterical boy and a few crouched around him, trying to ask him what was wrong while petting his head. 

“You’ll see me in your dreams, right? We’re soulmates, it’s okay, you’ll see me again.” For only being a year or so older than Mark, he seemed really smart. 

Yeah, he will see him again, and Mark will dream about Jaehyun every day. He’ll dream about him so much it’ll feel like he never even left. Yeah. 

It’s good enough reasoning that Mark quieted down after that, nodding and rubbing at his eyes. The teachers handed him a tissue and asked if he wanted to go to the nurse, but he shook his head. Jaehyun was still holding his hands; he’ll be okay.

He did end up dreaming of Jaehyun that night. 

They had gone to the zoo together, swinging their laced hands as they walked around. It was a sunny day, and Jaehyun and Mark had on matching sun hats. His suspenders matched the color of Jaehyun’s too. Their parents were somewhere, Mark knew that, though he didn’t know exactly where. They’ll find them, Mark wasn’t worried. 

Somehow, they end up in front of the bird exhibits, where a presentation is going on about some of the birds that the zoo houses. Mark and Jaehyun miraculously find a bench to sit on, both of them swinging their feet as they listen to the bird keeper talk about some of the birds that they house. Mark isn’t paying much attention to any of it, but he perks up when he hears the word “soulmates.” 

“That’s us,” Mark says to Jaehyun, tapping his arm.

“Birds?” 

“No, soulmates.” Mark whispers the last word like it is precious to only them.

“Oh,” Jaehyun giggles. “That is.”

Mark’s mother walks into his room the next morning to wake him up for school, and sees that he’s slept soundly through the night. She sighed, relieved, as she bent down to give his shoulder a little shake. 

The day of the move ended up being less brutal than anticipated then. A teary eyed Jaehyun and his parents watched Mark and his family fit all their things in big boxes into a moving truck, and Jaehyun went to hold Mark’s hand once they finished clearing out Mark’s room. They languidly swung their arms together, grip tightening a little more every time another room was cleared out. 

Once everything was finally done, Mark gave Jaehyun a hug and told him he wouldn’t cry because it won’t be the last time they see each other. As Mark climbed into his family’s car, he immediately rolled down the window to poke his head out and wave. The car rolled out of the driveway, and Mark shouted out the window the only thing he knew to shout: 

“I love you Jaehyun!” 

Jaehyun broke into a smile, repeating the familiar words they would tell each other before night fell. 

“I love you more!”

“I love you most!”

After the move, Mark consistently sent letters once a week updating Jaehyun on his whereabouts at home. Jaehyun wrote back diligently every week as well, telling him stories about the things that happen in school and all the friends he makes. 

Mark couldn’t help but feel jealous of Jaehyun’s friends for being able to talk everyday to someone as great as Jaehyun was. He wants to meet them one day- he tells Jaehyun this too, who only writes back that he would love it if they met each other. 

Middle school for Mark then was fine. It could have been better, easily, but Mark knew making it through middle school was just the first step. 

He made a couple friends while he was in the school band, and also some kids who were younger than him from the school’s newspaper club. In the same way Mark and Jaehyun were once inseparable, so were Jaemin and Jeno. While they already shared a lot of classes together and Jaemin truly abhorred the newspaper club, Jeno wanted him to be in it with him, so he gave in. For the second time in his life, Mark heard the word soulmates be brought up to describe their friendship.

The local high school joined two different smaller middle schools in the area, meaning after nearly five years of not attending school with Jaehyun, Mark was able to finally see his best friend every day once again. Sure, they still hung out every weekend without fail, playing video games or going to the park for a game of basketball with the other kids in the nearby neighborhoods, but Mark didn’t see him every day. And now he can. 

It being high school, most days were filled with Mark’s diligent studying, and his free time occupied by texting Jaehyun every day, whenever he could, as classes became more of a burden than an easy ride. Jaehyun excelled in the sciences while Mark excelled in literature, so they took it upon themselves to help each other when they had the time to. Saturdays were designated study days: they would head to their local library and work out problems together, a routine that stuck well for both of them. If they finished early, they’d go get ice cream or a hot chocolate together. 

It’s a dumb thing, yet Mark started looking forward to Saturdays more than normally, which had already been a lot. He would never say it with his own mouth—not now or ever—but the crush he began to harbor in the early years only grew with every meeting. 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, most of high school was a massive blur. First year Mark can barely remember, and the second was even muggier. Only in his third year of high school did his head start to clear until it was clouded again by the thoughts of university halfway through the fall semester. 

“Where do you want to go?” Jaemin asked. 

“Go where?” Mark asked back, distracted.

“After high school, silly.” Mark just gives a shrug, leafing through his textbook. They were in chemistry together, but Jaemin was studying in the classes a year ahead of him because he was naturally smarter. It was a relaxed lab this class, which is more dedicated to studying formulas than performing experiments—something Jaemin is mourning. “Uni? A junior college?”

“Not sure yet Jaem,” Mark sighed. He doesn’t like thinking about college really, if not because high school was already putting such weight on his back. Jaemin frowned slightly.

“Did you think about it or are you actually not sure?”

Mark knew Jaemin wasn’t trying to sound patronizing, though it felt that way. “Uh, yeah I don’t know. I don’t like to think about it,” he said hesitantly.

Most kids were more than ready to bust out of the confinement of high school and be on their own for uni, already able to taste the freedom, but Mark could only think of the present and how he was going to get through his classes. Jaemin let out a noise of understanding, neutralizing his expression before turning back to his own textbook.

“Oh, then don’t worry about it.” Jaemin flipped to the page about redox reactions and started working on solving them in his notebook. “College isn’t for everyone, y’know?” 

Mark looked up at the clock, the ticking barely loud enough for him to hear though Mark imagined the sound ringing in his ears. “Right…”

He texted Jaehyun later that night asking if anyone asked him about college yet. Jaehyun replied in a slew of messages about universities he was considering, and Mark could only half pay attention. 

He gave weak replies to most of them, just to show Jaehyun he was actively reading, though nothing really registers, and he doesn’t really process much of it either. A feeling of guilt crept up halfway into the conversation that he forgot once the next message came about whether or not Mark was asked about college. A half-assed response of dismissal was all Jaehyun got before the topic was dropped. 

Something about thinking how Jaehyun would be separated from him for several more years after Mark had just found him again doesn’t sit well. Mark quickly realized this isn’t healthy behavior, and yet his hands still shook at the thought. He hoped the feelings would change by senior year; the last thing he wanted was to make Jaehyun feel burdened, or burden himself by getting so attached to the older. 

Mark slept poorly that night. 

“We did it!” Lucas screamed to Mark on the day of graduation. 

Their dark green robes and white stoles tied together nicely with all the emblems done in gold, Lucas’ falling off his shoulders from how high his energy was running. They were all huddled backstage as they waited for the procession to start and they could walk out, officially graduating high school. 

Jaehyun stood several feet away, talking to his friends casually in the echoey gymnasium. People were moving all around them, trying to squeeze in last minute pictures and get out nervousness. Mark didn’t want to interrupt, he knew that he would see Jaehyun again and his other friends may not. Lucas waited next to Mark until they had to line up, the older taking his leave to stand in his place in the line.

Mark fades through the rest; an overly long ceremony with the principal reading a lengthy speech about how proud they were and how they wished for success for the graduating class. 

When “Lee Minhyung” is called, he could hear his father whistling, Lucas hooting, and scattered claps from his family and friends in the crowd. Even an “I love you!” was shouted from the back where Jaemin sat. The lights of the stage blinded him a little but he paid no mind. He was finally, officially, out of high school. 

As the ceremony ended, Mark walked out with his now former classmates outside, where he found his mother and father holding a bouquet of flowers for him. He took a few pictures with his diploma and his parents, spending a little more time looking into the sea of people to find Jaehyun, or even Lucas. The latter wasn’t hard to spot—he’s a million feet tall, but Mark can see that Lucas was talking with his other foreign exchange friends. His host family, a very nice older couple with two sons, stand close with proud smiles on their faces. 

Pink started staining the sky as the sun set on an early summer’s night, and Mark still couldn’t find Jaehyun even as another ten minutes passed. 

“Are you ready to go baby?” his mother asked, running her hand down his arm. Her eyes were wet with tears and Mark felt his chest tighten a little.

“Yeah, we can go,” he said, moving his diploma and bouquet to one hand so he could hold his mother’s with the other. He would find Jaehyun another time. 

Though Mark had essentially grown up with Jaehyun, he still noticed changes once he started attending the same school. 

Jaehyun matured nicely; he was really everything, not that Mark was bragging or even self-pitying. Effortlessly charming and charismatic, he carried himself so well and talked to others so easily. 

And as much as Mark made friends easily because he grew out of his shell after being separated from Jaehyun for a while, Jaehyun still had everything Mark didn’t. He was sweet and smart and built—the whole package and the bow too—and he wasn’t awkward like Mark was, still so full of boyish charm. It was no wonder Mark spent (and is still spending) so many years looking up to Jaehyun so much. 

“Just look at him,” Doyoung says. Mark turns to where Doyoung is watching Jaehyun flirt with the barista. He’s making faces at him, not that Jaehyun can see, openly cringing at Jaehyun’s admittedly charming displays. Johnny has the gall to whistle loudly as well and Mark laughs. “Eugh, he’s so handsome what the fuck.”

“He knows he’s a god.” Johnny adds casually. 

He must’ve known. Even his closest friends in high school had a sort of complex around him, and not necessarily a bad one. They were all on the same line metaphorically speaking, yet Jaehyun just knew how to bring whatever he had to the next level, something seemingly unreachable by human standards. Mark can’t help but be in awe; as much as he wanted to reach for that level, he couldn’t help but reach only for the person who stood there. 

Summer was coming to a close and they all chose to hang out in some nearby cafe on the last days before they head off to university. By some stroke of fate, Mark and Jaehyun chose to attend the same university this coming fall, while Johnny was off to study at an arts university several hours away and Doyoung to a music school. So before Johnny was to drive away to set up his dorm and start orientation, they decided to meet up and talk over a cup of coffee. 

It was nice to see them all together since work and other commitments made their schedules busy. Mark cherishes the time they have to see each other as one group, even though Johnny and Doyoung were not friends with him first. 

Jaehyun walks back over with his Americano, the number of the barista scrawled in dark ink on the cup. Johnny makes a fuss about it, as anticipated, and Doyoung even finds it in him to tease Jaehyun as well. Mark watches it unfold, drinking his own hot chocolate with a smile on his face. 

Mark doesn’t perceive him as a player at all, though Jaehyun had many admirers and many people that he had liked as well that he told Mark about. Most of them were the people who were just like Jaehyun: charming, beautiful, athletic. While Doyoung and Johnny keep at their antics with each other, Mark looks up at Jaehyun past his hot chocolate and raises his eyebrows. 

“You like her?” he asks, smile still on his face. 

Jaehyun gives him a smirk, taking a sip of his coffee with the numbers facing away from him. He only glances back up at Mark, who can only laugh. He knows. 

“Do you like her though? Like for real?” Mark asks when they’re on the drive back home. 

Jaehyun has tipped his seat back a little, scrolling through videos on his phone. The sky is still light and clear, the sun on the verge of beginning to set and shining light off the dashboard. From his place in the driver's seat, Mark almost forgets to keep his eyes on the road when he looks at Jaehyun. 

“Huh? The girl?” Jaehyun hums, tilting his head towards Mark. “She was cute. I would like to take her out one day.”

“She was. Why don’t you? We have a few days left.” 

Jaehyun only chuckles, quieting down after enough to hear the tick of the blinkers among the music reverberating in the car. “I’ll be with you for a while, I won’t need anyone else.”

Mark can’t help but sound incredulous. “Really?” 

“Really.” Jaehyun pauses, emphasizing, “Really.”

Mark flopped down onto his unmade mattress once all his suitcases and boxes were in his dorm room, Jaehyun mirroring him on his bed as well. Moving day was tiring for more reasons than one, and Mark can already feel the sleepiness sinking into his bones as he lays there. 

“Okay, let’s unpack,” Jaehyun says, sitting up immediately. Mark lets out a groan and weakly waves his hand in the air. 

“Soon, let me just…” he mutters, trailing into silence and slowly evened breathing. As his eyes begin fluttering shut, Mark hears Jaehyun get up from his bed and walk over to where he is, looming over his body before flopping down on top of him. 

Mark lets out a loud grunt and squirms from under him, bringing a hand up to slap Jaehyun’s back. “I’m up, I’ll do it, please!” 

With a grin, Jaehyun pushes himself off of Mark and offers a hand, tugging him up before turning around and beginning to tend to his things. Mark sighs and gets up as well, unzipping his first suitcase to pull out all his clothes and tuck them into the drawers. While he’s at it, he tugs over Jaehyun’s suitcase as well and puts his clothes away. 

Jaehyun plays his music through the speaker through the whole thing, the clattering of pens and hangers muffled by the smooth R&B that fills the room. Unconsciously, Mark stops putting some of his organizers away to listen to him hum the harmonies. If he turns around to watch Jaehyun sway back and forth, he won’t say either. 

It took a few hours still for them to get everything in place, and by the time they’re done, the sun is starting to set. Mark knows they should go around campus and get a feel for the place before orientation tomorrow, but he’s too tired to care. 

“You go do you, I’m gonna sleep,” Mark says, already tucking himself into the nicely made bed, courtesy of Jaehyun.

He hears a groan and the bed dips as Jaehyun presses behind him, arm flopping over Mark’s waist. “Me too.”

“You have your own bed,” Mark protests.

“But yours is already messed up.” Mark pulls his head off his pillow to look back at Jaehyun, nose scrunched. His eyes are already closed, a faint smile on his face because he knows Mark won’t push him off. 

Mark can’t help but stare for a while, his smooth skin dewy with sweat from unpacking, face the slightest bit flushed. He can already hear Jaehyun’s breathing start to even out, feeling his huffs against his arm. Slowly, Mark rolls back over and settles into his pillow, willing his heart to slow down so he can take his nap. 

Mark wakes up bathed in darkness. There is light reflected off the wall in front of him, and when he turns around he sees Jaehyun, idling on his phone. 

“Time?” Mark mumbles.

“9-ish. Want food?” Mark nods, rubbing at his eyes as he rolls back over. 

They make the ramen Mark packed with him from bathroom sink water in the electric kettle Jaehyun packed. Even though it was freshman orientation tomorrow, they stay up until the early hours playing Mario Party on Jaehyun’s Switch. 

Every day feels the same but different, a rinse-wash-repeat but using different soap each time. College is a foreign experience, as expected, and Mark feels like he won’t fall into routine as fast as he did in high school. Jaehyun seems to tend well to the change, easily forcing a routine in. Within the first few weeks, he has everything down to a T, knowing when he can switch things around and fit other things in. 

Neither are taking very many classes, and they spent most of their time together in the dorms. Most of their prerequisites are similar despite their differing majors, so cross-collaboration became normal for them once again. Sometimes, Mark can see them back in their local library on Saturday afternoons, 16 years old, reading over textbook notes for their crutches and drawing explanations on the back of vocabulary packets. 

When winter break comes along, they fall into the same patterns pre-college. Not a day passes where they don’t text each other, even something useless. As the new year passes once again, Mark sends Jaehyun an absurdly long text about wishing well right at midnight, as Jaehyun posts onto his Snapchat story a video of him drinking with some of his friends. Mark smiles when he spots Johnny in the background of one of the videos, happy to see that he’s made it through the first semester well. 

As quickly as Mark sent the message, Jaehyun replied with his wishes too. At the end of the conversation, Mark tells him he loves him, and Jaehyun responds back the same, and Mark’s heart jumps. He falls asleep with the feeling of hope bubbling in his chest, and the wonder of when his “I love you’s” became more of a statement of confession than one of platonic endearment. 

Just the same as before, Mark and Jaehyun meet up a few times to do nothing together. It should feel monotonous, but to Mark, it feels like he’s finally come home. 

And when they are tossed back into the same cycle of sleep-study-eat, it feels only like he’s brought some of home back with him once again, watching Jaehyun go through day by day, right next to Mark. 

On Jaehyun’s 20th birthday, Mark impulsively buys a ring for him, a simple thin band to match the one Mark wears. 

“Nothing big, just a birthday gift,” Mark said, convinced himself of. Jaehyun laughs at first before holding the ring lightly, slipping it onto his pointer finger. 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun replies with so much sincerity. 

In the back of his head, Mark hopes someone might ask about the new ring on his hand, and he can tell the story of how his best friend bears the same one. 

By the time their first year of university ends, the lingering feeling of a different kind of freedom dissipates under cramming for finals between naps in weird places. Mark got the long end of the stick for having very few finals, though he can’t say the same for Jaehyun who intermittently will sleep for two hours before waking up again to study all throughout the day. His iced americano seems permanently glued to his desk for the last two weeks of the semester, half struggling to stay awake, and half only caring to fall asleep again. 

After Jaehyun’s last final, on the last day of finals week, Mark and Jaehyun pick up their suitcases to board the afternoon train home, making it back with just enough time for them to grab dinner together at a small diner right outside the station. 

Mark’s mom comes to get them both from where they sit at the empty bus station stop, going through photos they took throughout the semester. 

“Hello Auntie,” Jaehyun greets once he slips into the backseat. Mark’s mother lets out a giggle.

“Shut up, we aren’t married,” Mark scolds, taking his spot next to Jaehyun.

“Might as well be,” Mark’s mother teases. Unconsciously, Mark’s eyes drift to where Jaehyun’s gold ring glints under the passing street lamps, and he rubs his thumb against his own. 

“Sure.”

Sophomore year comes faster than anticipated, Mark finally able to understand the drive his high school classmates had last year. The dorms smell of summer sun and leftover air freshener, the lightbulbs finally replaced with fluorescent white so there isn’t a yellow haze on everything. 

Summer passes in just a few days, no longer sticking like a film to his brain. The last dredges of 8pm sunsets and slow afternoons melt away, and Mark is back to his fall semester studying like a year ago at the same desk. 

It's Sunday night as Mark and Jaehyun wind down before classes again tomorrow morning. The weeks feel so long but Mark can't remember any of the days that pass in blurs of light. He can barely pay attention to the evening news that plays on the TV, mindlessly watching with a thumb in his mouth.

He was never a nail biter—still isn't really, but he would never admit to having some sort of problem with putting things into his mouth because that’s exactly what Freud would have wanted, and if he could bring one person back to life, it would be Freud so that he could personally kill him again. So he settles for saying he's a nail biter instead, stress has done this to him. 

Jaehyun steps out of the bathroom from his stupidly long shower. It isn't like they're paying a utility bill though, so Mark is grateful they have their own bathroom with warm water that Jaehyun can use to its fullest.

“Still sucking your thumb?” he teases, knowing Mark won't even use the words oral or fixation in the same sentence. Mark looks up at his friend who is still dripping water from his hair and pouts.

“You’re getting our floor wet,” he mumbles around the finger in his mouth. Jaehyun squints hard at the ring of water by his feet then moves to sit on Mark’s bed, causing Mark to screech and pulls his thumb out of his mouth. 

Hoping spit will deter him, he tries to push Jaehyun away who is way stronger, and now not only dripping water on his bed but also all over him. Jaehyun easily pushes Mark over and hangs his head over his face. 

Mark can hear himself giggling and gasping out “monster” as Jaehyun pins him down by his wrists and rubs his wet hair into Mark’s shirt. He lifts his head back up and looks directly at Mark’s face, his cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. 

For several seconds, the room is filled only with light panting as they breathe in the air between them. And Mark can only see Jaehyun’s face so close to his so he surges up before his slightly under-oxygenated brain can even tell him no.

It feels like everything Mark could have ever wanted. 

Jaehyun is sweet to him, always has been, and now is no different. He doesn’t recoil immediately like Mark imagined he would if this ever occurred; he kisses like they have time, like they've been together forever. His lips are soft against Mark's, unscared, whole and pure, and it feels like a dream. If only he didn't need to wake up. 

His heart is aching inside his chest as he pulls away from the kiss, the gentleness of Jaehyun's lips against his leaving a ghost of warmth. Some medical show is now playing softly in the background, and Mark can only register the sound of the flatline. He's still high off of the adrenaline and nerves, so much so he almost doesn't notice Jaehyun's blank expression staring across from him—almost. Mark's heart sinks.

Panic is his first response. He made things bad and awkward and now he has to live with it. But how can he? Mark thinks he might die because he’s going to lose Jaehyun, who isn't saying anything, isn't doing _anything_ and suddenly Mark wishes they weren't friends for so long because surely it's all gone to shit now. 

“I- I'm really- I wasn't thinking-” Mark stutters. He really can't think straight and Jaehyun becomes blurry behind unfocused eyes. 

A twitch of his hand is all he needs to reach up and try to comfort Jaehyun too, despite all the pressure in Mark's chest, but he feels Jaehyun loosen his grip on his wrist as he moves up onto his knees and Mark can't stop the whimper that slips past his lips. 

“Please,” Mark begs, tears welling and spilling over. _I fucked up I fucked up I fuck_ —

Jaehyun seems to break out of his reverie when he sees Mark’s eyes fill with tears. (He was always weak to his best friend crying, even as children when Mark’s eyes were always wet because he was sensitive. But he was older now, and Mark didn’t cry nearly as much as he used to, and neither does Jaehyun). He can feel Jaehyun’s fingers brush his chin softly, hand trailing after to rub at the wetness of his skin, and Mark can't help but lean into the touch. So gentle, like Mark would break if he pulls away and he just might with the silence hanging heavy between them. But Jaehyun speaks just as soft as his touches.

“It's okay.”

“It’s n-not, I’m sorry but it’s not-” Mark is gasping between his words, breath caught so high in his throat he thinks he might throw up.

Jaehyun brings his hands up to cup Mark’s face, carefully as glass. “It’s okay,” Jaehyun repeats. He cracks. 

But Mark breathes heavy, the tension in his body leaving as he slumps down into his bed. Tears are still rolling down his face while he snuffles and turns to mush himself into the pillow. He is trying to calm down and his head hurts and his knees feel like jelly, and maybe Jaehyun can tell because wraps Mark in his arms and lays behind him, both parties basking in the warmth of the others company and the light from the moon that shines through the windows. 

Jaehyun is breathing quietly behind him and rubbing his thumb over his knuckles in an attempt to pacify him, like Mark didn't just make what might be the biggest mistake of his life. But as Jaehyun continues to soothe him through it, the last fleeting thought in Mark's mind is that maybe, possibly, in some way, everything might just end up fine.

Everything is not quite fine. 

Not because of Jaehyun (never because of Jaehyun) but because Mark is always nervous, always overthinking. The morning after kissing Jaehyun, Mark sat in the bathroom at 6am dry heaving for a good half hour because he was so scared, tears rolling down his face as he tried keeping in the sobs that crushed his chest. He fucked up, they can’t ever return to normal again, Jaehyun will hate him, Jaehyun will resent him, Jaehyun will, Jaehyun won’t, Jaehyun, Jaehyun, _Jaehyun_. 

And it was Jaehyun who had found him there later that morning at 7:30, waking to the sensation of a cold bed that he never missed before. He walked to the bathroom quietly and found Mark laying on the toilet seat, arms folded beneath his head and dried tear tracks on his cheeks. Grabbing a washcloth, he wet the corner with warm water and rubbed at Mark’s face before tucking him back in while Jaehyun got ready for classes. 

When Mark wakes up, it’s nearly 10 and he rolls over unobstructed. For a second the emptiness hits him right in his gut, the feeling of tightness returning to his chest once again. He breathes in deep and exhales slowly before sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes. The door opens but Mark can’t turn around to face the only other person who would have a key to the room.

“Oh, you’re up.” Jaehyun says. Mark nods, face still in his hands. He bustles around for a bit, not really doing anything while also not doing nothing until Mark gets fed up at hearing him pace back and forth, and gets up to brush his teeth. 

Mark gets dressed with well over twenty minutes to spare to get across housing and to his class. When he steps out of the bathroom, Jaehyun is sitting on his bed bent over his phone with his earbuds in. Mark chooses to pay no mind; he’ll talk about it when he’s ready to talk, so he leaves without so much as a goodbye. 

Expectedly, the lecture hall is pretty much empty by the time he gets there. There’s only one other student who sits near the middle of the room, snapping her gum loudly as she flits through the pages in her notes. Mark takes a seat a row and some seats away from her, watching her messily inked notes in a daze until he hears the doors of the hall open, and more students start pouring in. 

He’s somewhat thankful for this class in order to take his mind off of Jaehyun, yet somehow through the whole hour, he think only of the latter, or gets fixated on something stupid. The boy sitting directly behind him whispers something to his seatmate, and Mark can’t help but focus his attention onto the clicking of the boy’s piercing against his teeth every time he speaks. 

He starts thinking about what it would be like to have a tongue piercing. Would it hurt? What about snake eyes, wouldn’t those clack even more against his teeth? What would Jaehyun think of it? Would he even notice? How about if Jaehyun had-

Mark sighs, drawing his focus back to the drawl of his professor about the Golden Age. These days keep moving forward.

Less than a week passes before Mark gets really annoyed about Jaehyun’s avoidance. Mark tries really hard to make things seem normal, but he realizes a little too late that he might be trying to move on too fast without thinking. 

Jaehyun’s last class ends when Mark’s last class ends, and he normally will wait outside the classroom so they can walk back to their room together. Lately, Mark has been walking alone back to an empty dorm, or a dorm with a Jaehyun who isn’t quite there. He knows Jaehyun isn’t going to bring it up, not one to start conversations because he was always expected to in the past, so Mark finally does something about it. 

Opening the door, Mark sees Jaehyun at his desk, hunched over homework. “I’m sorry. About the other day,” Mark blurts out.

“Me too, I guess, uh-” Jaehyun seems rather startled, either at the sudden talking or the statement itself. Mark has to fight the urge to say something about talking to him first about it but he holds back. He seems hesitant but Mark doesn’t press. “I want to tell you it’s okay.”

“Huh?”

Jaehyun turns around in his seat to look at Mark, pen twirling around his fingers. “It’s fine. We can just forget about it, really.”

“Are you sure? I really don’t want to-” 

“Mark,” Jaehyun warns. He knows it's better to just drop it instead of thinking too hard, and judging by the tone of Jaehyun’s voice, dropping it is the only way they’ll learn to move forward.

“Make things bad. Okay,” Mark sighs out. He feels relief wash over his body yet he still can’t fight the feeling of guilt that’s creeping on him. “Really though? You don’t want to talk about it?” 

“What’s there to talk about?” 

“I just… I didn’t want to make things awkward. And I didn’t want you- I want to say sorry, I messed up. I thought you hated me,” Mark mutters. 

“Never.” 

“I’m sorry.” Mark says, with only slight annoyance in his tone. His eyebrows unknit themselves and he softens. “Really, I love you. I’m sorry.” 

It comes out of his mouth before he can stop it, though Jaehyun barely flinches, telling him back, “Well I love you more.”

“And I love you most.” 

And just like that, everything settles back into place just a little, like pieces of a puzzle being fixed together with glue. The tension hasn’t left the room, still sitting low in the air, and Mark chooses to ignore it because it’ll go away in time. For right now, things are fine.

“Markie Mark, what’s on your mind?” Donghyuck asks around a mouth of food. Mark grimaces at him, Jaehyun laughing at his face. 

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Mark chides.

“Damn ma.”

“No. Do not.” 

They’re in Mark and Jaehyun’s dorm currently, the sun high in the sky and beaming through their window. It’s just a little past one in the afternoon, and Donghyuck had dragged Renjun along with him to Mark’s dorm because he wanted to hang out after his class. 

Donghyuck shared the same major as Mark and they met on the younger’s orientation, clicking together quickly. His dorm was also down the hall from Mark’s, meaning Mark could and would be bothered by him at any time. The early hours of the morning seem the best as Mark snaps awake from his nap at his desk to Donghyuck banging on the door, and whining on the other side about how bored he is. 

Mark watches him take another bite of his sandwich, the crumbs dropping all over the floor, and Mark places his paper plate into his lap with a scowl. 

“Why don’t you make a mess in your own room?” Jaehyun asks lightly. 

“Don’t you know my hall has rats? Jaehyun, I’m just protecting all of us.” 

“We live in the same hall,” Renjun pipes up. Donghyuck takes a deep inhale and sticks his tongue in his cheek, looking over to Renjun with a raised eyebrow. 

Jaehyun stands up, walking over to his dresser to pull on a jacket and grab his bag. “Okay, if there are rats, I’m not here to see it. I have class.” 

“And just leave me here to die?” Mark whines. “Put on a different coat, it’s cold outside.” 

“Not that cold. Tell me what you want to eat later.” 

“When you come back.” Jaehyun makes his way behind Mark, knees touching his shoulders as he puts on a different jacket. Mark grabs his phone from where he left it on the floor and hands it to him. “Bye.”

“All that and no goodbye kiss?” Donghyuck teases. Renjun slaps his arm, says something about talking with his mouth full and overstepping boundaries, but Donghyuck doesn't listen. He continues wiggling his eyebrows until Renjun reaches up and rubs at Donghyuck's face to get him to stop. 

“Stop being rude,” Renjun scolds.

“I'm not! It’s a joke!” 

Renjun scoffs and slaps the back of his neck, Hyuck letting out an exaggerated noise. “You should go, Jaehyun, you might end up late.” 

Jaehyun nods, and before he can stop himself, he's already leaning down to tilt Mark's chin up and give him a kiss. It's soft and sweet, not filled with hesitance like their first one had been. It was almost as if they had gotten used to it already. Mark flushes even harder, eyes wide as saucers, once Jaehyun pulls away to leave, a mildly confused look on his face, and he can hear Donghyuck hooting right into his ear. 

“Oh fuck, I didn't think he would actually do it.” Donghyuck says once the door closes.

“I will literally suplex you into the floorboards if you don't be quiet.” 

Mark tunes out Donghyuck and Renjun’s arguing to touch at his lips, the lingering feeling of Jaehyun’s own still in his memory. Maybe Jaehyun did it for show, he was that kind of person. It can’t possibly be anything more than that; and yet, Mark still dwells. 

Something changes.

Mark can feel it in the space around them as he sits at his desk. He can't quite place his finger on it, but something is different. 

Breathing in stale air, he turns when he hears the bathroom door open and Jaehyun steps out, dripping water like always. 

“Coming to bed?” the older asks, smirk apparent even in his voice. Mark scoffs. 

“With your wet hair?” he replies, already stretching out his joints and standing up. “I'll dry your hair first and you can get to bed. I need to study for comp tomorrow.” 

Jaehyun hands Mark the towel that was draped around his neck, sitting down on his bed and letting Mark get onto his knees behind him to towel off his hair. 

It’s soothing for both parties: Jaehyun gets to have his hair dried with such care, something so soft that he almost aches at the feeling, and Mark gets a break from the monotony of reading books he doesn’t have the patience to understand to do something for Jaehyun. A solid routine, and nothing either of them expect out of each other. 

It only takes a few minutes because Jaehyun’s hair is short enough that it dries quickly, so Mark can dry his hair then go back to do what he needs to do. Jaehyun is humming some tune he can’t recognize and after about 10 minutes, his hair is dry enough that he can go to sleep. 

Mark gets up off his mattress and back to the bathroom to put the towel back on his side of the rung. When he goes back into the room, Jaehyun is already tucked nicely under the covers, blanket pulled up to his chin and on his phone. 

Mark is at his desk for the remainder of the night, Jaehyun dipping out sometime near the end of 10 while Mark keeps rereading his comp notes. Colored manuscript pops back out at his eyes and Mark decides maybe it’s time to sign out; he tends to do pretty well on his exams anyway. 

The clock reads 11:11 when Mark looks up to check before he retires for the night as well, and he closes his eyes and laces his fingers together to make a wish. He doesn’t know if they ever come true, but he tries anyway if he remembers to, because what’s the harm in doing it? 

When he opens his eyes, the desktop clock still reads 11:11. He hopes he did it right. He hopes his wish might come true.


	2. found our end in the silence of morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took a little bit, but they eventually drifted apart, slowly. Jaehyun was focused on finishing his degree, and Mark got wrapped up in his studies as well. It was natural, Mark concluded. By the time Jaehyun had finished washing up, Mark was still studying and Jaehyun's body was too fatigued to do anything more than say goodnight. He'd even started falling asleep with wet hair as the end of the semester came closer and closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres to the second chapter of the most personal fic ill ever write. thanks for sticking around
> 
> chp title from to each his own by talos

Spring broke through stuffy dorms like a lightning strike as the windows started to open in the living quarters to let out all the mistakes from the previous semester. It was cathartic, airing out all your sins for the world but Mark found it easy to give the wind what it wanted. 

His third year was coming to a close as he packed his suitcase to bring home for a few months. Jaehyun left a few days earlier, having finished his finals earlier in the week. He gave Mark a tight hug and a pat on the back two days ago, leaving Mark in their dorm alone, the undressed bed a blaring hole on the other side of the room. Sleeping alone in his room wasn’t something new to Mark, but it felt different after seeing Jaehyun on that side every night for the past several months.

On the day of departure, Mark and Donghyuck wave Renjun goodbye as he stuffs his bags into an Uber to head to the airport before flying home to the mainland. Donghyuck teases Mark the whole train ride back, folding paper planes with flimsy tissues and tossing them to where they sat in the seats across from each other. They do their stupidly long handshake in the middle of the station before Donghyuck hops into his parent’s car, and Mark onto the bus. 

Memories about the past semester flit through his head until he dismisses them, not ready to reminisce about things as he pushes open the door to his parents’ house, and is greeted with kisses on his cheeks and the promise of his favorite meal tonight. 

Out of habit, Mark sits down at his desk right before bed, still covered in the stickers he stuck onto the edge when he got good grades, and crafts the letter paper to send at the end of the week to Jaehyun. 

It’s almost stupid, the way he still cleanly tears the blank sheet of paper down the middle to give him two nicely sized sheets, or how he breaks out his cork-back ruler to draw his own lines and neat margins with the pens he uses to color code his notes. He’s nearly 20, and he’s still writing letters to a friend like they’re 7. 

Even after so many years of doing this, of spending so much time and effort, and so many stamps, Mark never anticipates a letter back—hasn’t since high school really. The fleeting thought comes that maybe Mark is just wasting his time. That maybe he should be writing to Renjun or Donghyuck, or even to Johnny who he knows will write back despite being so far away. 

But it’s exactly what it is: fleeting. Mark has no time to fixate on it, so he makes his own nice paper and lays out the small envelope for it to go in, Jaehyun’s address burned into his memory already neatly printed on the envelope, and then cleans up for the night. He’ll write the letter on the last day of the week, as he always does, and he’ll send it out the next morning. Like he always does. 

The weekdays are slow and the weekends are slower. Summer heat sticks onto his skin and wets his hair as Mark lazes around at home for most if not all of the 3 months he’s not in classes. He had finished his summer assignments well in advance so he wouldn’t forget about them, and now he’s left with practically nothing to do. Getting a job is probably the best option, and Mark mentally makes a note to look for some around the area.

Halfway into July, Donghyuck invites him to his parents’ villa in Jeju to hang out for a while. They’re up every night until the early hours, Mark trying his best to not let the younger kick his ass in Mario Kart and failing nearly every, if not every, round. 

His swim shorts still have sand in the pockets from previous vacations, even after the cycles it went through in Donghyuck’s washing machine. With his family, Mark walked through the markets of Jeju City, buying perfectly ripe fruits and vegetables for dinner, and little trinkets to bring back to Mark’s parents. A string bracelet caught Mark’s eye as they passed a small store, and he touched the beads at the end for a moment before deciding to buy it for Jaehyun. 

By the time Mark leaves Jeju, the days have blurred into lucid hours of sunless days and sunny nights. Then Mark remembers he forgot to send Jaehyun a letter, and settles on writing one late, saying he’s going to be writing once a month now for convenience's sake, not that he thinks Jaehyun particularly cares. 

Mark receives a birthday message from Jaehyun, right when he wakes up, wishing him the best 19th birthday he could have. More than the weeks before, Jaehyun texts him all day, just like how they used to, but Mark still wonders why he starts getting nervous with every new message. 

On the 15th of August, Mark writes his last letter for the summer and sends it out the same day, packing his suitcase for the lengthy ride back to university.

The train cart was a little cool, the air conditioning doing a decent job at circulating through the length of the vehicle. Mark is busy writing an essay, finishing some of his assignments early while he has the outlines so he isn’t plagued by them right as the year starts. His hair is tied up out of his face and he has a mask on so his nose doesn’t dry out from the air conditioning. 

Focused on his work, Mark barely registers the ping of his phone between his legs. The screen lights up when he taps it, a text from Jaehyun asking Mark if he could buy some wet towelettes before he was back on campus. 

Mark texts back a quick affirmation. Jaehyun had barely texted him all summer, and it was only when Mark started the conversation, clipped replies bringing Mark to end them faster than he wanted to. Maybe he was just busy with internships or something. He sighs and sets his phone to mute, working out another page of his essay before giving up. 

Back at the dorms once again, Mark sets the packs of towelettes onto Jaehyun’s desk, the black string bracelet right on top of it, before flopping onto his own bed, outside clothes and mask and all, and taking a nap. 

It took a little bit, but they eventually drifted apart, slowly. Jaehyun was focused on finishing his degree, and Mark got wrapped up in his studies as well. It was natural, Mark concluded. By the time Jaehyun had finished washing up, Mark was still studying and Jaehyun's body was too fatigued to do anything more than say goodnight. He'd even started falling asleep with wet hair as the end of the semester came closer and closer. 

They still acted like best friends. Best friends, in the normal sense anyway. Jaehyun will still come to Mark for cuddles when they watch movies, cry into his shoulder when classes are getting too stressful. Mark will still dry his hair when he can after he showers. Everything is still the same for the most part.

But Mark can feel it. He can feel it in the static between them as they slightly farther apart when they play games. He can feel the difference in their hugs, in the almost imperceptible way that Jaehyun starts pulling away first; in how almost start avoiding eye contact when they’re in the room together, scared one of them will say something and break the newly uncomfortable silence that hangs between them. 

Stupidly, regrettably, Mark’s heart doesn’t stop waiting for Jaehyun, even during this time. It will still skip a beat and some if Jaehyun addressed him, even with his attention divided.

“Dude,” Jaehyun starts. Almost as if in a trance, Mark’s head snaps up from his book that he has to read for an assignment. A scramble of letters float in his vision as he looks over to Jaehyun across from him, also reading something. “Is Romeo thick or what?” 

Mark snorts, the unexpected question breaking his concentration. Jaehyun isn’t even reading Romeo and Juliet, meaning this has probably been in the back of his head for a while. He’s grateful for the break but he also knows if he doesn’t get back to work, he’ll never finish the reading. 

“Yeah, we knew that though.” 

“This dude couldn’t wait like five minutes or even see that Juliet really wasn’t even dead. Why would you die for someone like that?”

“I’d die for you like that,” Mark says before he can stop the words from coming out of his mouth. His eyes widen at his book as he presses his lips together. 

“Why?” Mark looks away from his book again, taken aback as Jaehyun looks right at him, amusement on his face. 

Why? More than why he would, the question he’d ask is why wouldn’t he. “Because I love you…?” It’s meant to be a statement—at least Mark thinks it’s supposed to be.

Jaehyun laughs now, saying, “You’re crazy.” 

Hearing it makes Mark feel like he's withering, breaking and falling away from the feeling he held so tightly to, that Jaehyun might entertain the idea of liking him for just a moment's time. It hurts to hear him say it; how Mark couldn't be right to love him like he does. It hurts more than if Jaehyun had just said that he doesn't. 

And still, his heart races just a little bit. 

The window stays open through most of that autumn, constantly bringing in the brisk fresh air to replace the fear lingering in the room—even open when the rain wets the sill and Mark has to walk over and shut it, but only halfway. A dehumidifier was placed on the table between their two mattresses when Mark walked into the room one day, the air sticky from always leaving that window open. It hums periodically, low and kind of quiet—something to fill the stillness. 

Right as the snow started falling, Mark noticed Jaehyun was spending less time in the dorms, watching the clock tick past the hours of Jaehyun’s last class, coming in just before they were going to get dinner together. 

Jaehyun had acknowledged it guiltily one night, bundled in his covers and telling Mark he felt bad he saw him only before bedtime, that other people were occupying his attention more and it made him feel upset. Mark had told him it was okay, that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but Jaehyun rolled over after one last apology and fell asleep. 

He watched Jaehyun from where he was at his desk, the dark shrouding most of his figure with Mark’s desk lamp off. In the incredibly low light, Mark can barely make out his silhouette in the blankets, the look of how his eyelashes rest against his cheekbones. Mark’s heart clenches at the wetness that sat right under Jaehyun’s eyes, only visible when Jaehyun exhaled all the way. He wonders how long this plagued Jaehyun, and he wishes he noticed earlier. 

It feels weird to wake up the next morning with Jaehyun gone already, probably because the last time Jaehyun opened up to him like this might’ve been two years ago, and Jaehyun was running before Mark could catch him and ask if he was okay. He hopes Jaehyun is okay.

The winter of senior year is when things started to truly feel out of place to Mark, when the snow started to pick up in flurries more than in drifting slowly onto the blankets already coating the ground. Jaehyun got absorbed into his classes and made more friends with more similar interests and mindsets. Watching from the sidelines, the nagging and awful thought came to mind that Jaehyun wasn’t trying to remedy the rift he knew was forming between him and Mark. But neither was Mark, he supposes, because Jaehyun was still drifting away. 

Mark doesn’t resent him, and he doesn’t even begin to believe that any blame could lay on Jaehyun either. It was only natural to fall apart from old friends, Mark knew this very well. Selfishly, he never believed he might be cut in the process.

They leave the dorm for a few weeks while they enjoy winter break at their own house. Mark's mother kisses his head, though he was a good couple inches taller, and pets his hair, cooing about how her baby got so big while he was away. He can only smile and cover her hands with his as they cup his face with so much love. 

“Mommy…” Mark starts. It's getting late and he's laying in his bed, curled in a little so he could look at his mother as she puts away some of his laundry. 

She hums an affirmation. His mom isn’t looking at him, busy folding worn shirts and tucking them neatly into their drawers, but he can tell she knows what he’s going to say. Mark is quiet for a few more minutes before he calls out to her again.

“Mommy.”

“Yes baby?”

"I think I made a mistake."

That winter break, Mark sat at his desk, staring at the paper he spent time to make stare blankly back at him, wondering if it was even worth it to write these letters anymore. And he knows that Jaehyun wouldn’t notice anyway, didn’t notice how much this break was affecting Mark. Didn’t realize how the letters Mark used to write slowly stopped showing up, but no one was there to receive it anyway.

Coming back had been a new feeling as Mark tried to imagine that things weren’t changing as fast as he thought they were. The last few days of January were spent in limbo as everyone learned to adjust once again, Mark learning to pretend nothing was wrong as easily as Jaehyun was. 

That Valentine’s Day, Mark brought Jaehyun a small cupcake from a cafe in the city, filling a card with blue ink and sappy words of how much he has changed in the lifetime Mark has known him, of how proud Mark was to see him grow, and how blessed he was to be able to witness it all. Seeing Jaehyun’s smile as he read the card meant everything to him, and the frosting he smeared on Mark’s face made him think that for a little while, things were just as it was three years ago.

Yet as the days get warmer and the sun stays a little longer, Mark can only see in the extra daylight the splintering between him and his roommate; a chasm he wishes didn’t separate them but does, with Jaehyun taking off in the opposite direction and Mark too scared to turn around. 

He wishes he was just imagining it, but even at the best times, it feels like he’s started to learn less and less about Jaehyun, the separation between their lives growing as they saw each other for less of their waking hours. The only remotely redeeming quality is knowing it runs both ways, knowing that as much as Mark doesn’t know about Jaehyun, Jaehyun no longer knows about Mark either.

Mark knows it’s jealousy, knows that he doesn't need to feel so wronged. Still, Mark can feel his own self falling apart at the guilt, understanding that his jealousy is unneeded. He could just talk to Jaehyun more instead of waiting for Jaehyun to talk to him; could make more of an effort to ask about his day; could set aside some of his negative feelings to just let Jaehyun know he’s there, and he still cares for him. Despite all of that, Mark watches himself stay quiet, and he watches Jaehyun leave words unsaid too.

It is almost March. The rain pitters quietly outside the window of their room as Mark sits on his bed breathing in the wet air. It's probably around noon now, and Mark's next class starts in a few hours. 

Jaehyun walks through the door and brushes his fingers through slightly damp hair. His face is a little flushed, maybe from the chill, and Mark thinks about teasing him for not bringing an umbrella like he told him to earlier.

“Did you take a shower?” Mark jokes, no emotion behind his words. Jaehyun lets out a short laugh. 

“Yeah.” He shoves his bookbag off onto his which now has a wet spot on the downy cover. 

“Uh, don’t wait for me tonight? Some friends wanted me to hang out with them. Get some drinks.” Jaehyun says. Mark nods and gives him a small smile. “Cool.” 

He disappears into the bathroom to dry off his hair before heading back out, giving Mark a glance, who is still looking out the window at the rain that drips slowly off the frame. But he leaves quietly and just hopes Mark can catch some sleep tonight. 

It quickly becomes the ides, and Mark still waits every night for Jaehyun to make it back to the dorm safely. The second he hears the lock click, Mark pushes the covers to his chin and closes his eyes, knowing he’s made it back in one piece. He counts sheep as the water runs, as Jaehyun steps out of the bathroom with his hair dry, and lays into the covers of his made bed. 

Tonight is a little different. 

Just like the past couple weekends, Jaehyun comes back to the rooms a little tipsy and in someone else's arms. Mark wills himself to sleep as quickly as he can, still refusing to tarnish his image of Jaehyun despite everything the older has told him. It got to the point where he didn’t even care if Jaehyun made it back, he just let himself fall asleep once his head hit the pillows. 

Unlike the weeks before, tonight Mark is awake, plagued by the thoughts of how quickly Jaehyun moves on. Even in high school, when Jaehyun was always friendly and open; while he wouldn’t necessarily be dropping people like flies, he equally wasn’t staying long enough to find out if they would to him first. 

Once university started and the leaves turned yellow at the edges, Jaehyun easily began cutting ties with many people from high school, save a few; Mark being lucky enough to survive a drop but only because they knew they’d be roommates in university. But just like on a rollercoaster, momentum will keep you going forward even as you start going down. Was Mark just experiencing the delayed effects of falling? 

Mark wasn’t a loner, but he’d given everything for Jaehyun to Jaehyun. Little Mark had revered him, even older Mark did for several years before he learned how to become more comfortable with someone who held themselves as well as Jaehyun did. 

His devotion is still not lost, but it has turned into something he aches for more, something he can’t have because he _knows_ Jaehyun wouldn’t let him. Now, even at 2am on a cold Saturday night, the long used soulmate feels bitter on his tongue. 

Is this what a broken heart feels like? Mark doesn't know. But he isn't stupid and he isn't crazy, and he knows that this was bound to happen. Jaehyun was breaking away faster than Mark could pick up the pieces. 

In their last week, Jaehyun becomes unusually engaging compared to the last few months of white noise. He’s at the dorm more often and for longer periods of time, generally to study while Mark is studying as well. Sometimes he’ll ask Mark questions, random and unrelated to anything he’s trying to study. To Mark, it almost feels like a different person is in the room, when Jaehyun has been something of the same since their first year in university together. 

“What’s got you in such a good mood?” Mark asks. 

“Hmm?”

“I said you’re in a good mood. What’s new?” 

Jaehyun rolls onto his side on Mark’s bed, looking at him past his phone. “It’s our last week in uni. Aren’t you excited?” 

“I guess…” Jaehyun tsks at him. 

“Well I’m excited. Four years for this, and I got to spend them with you.” Mark imagines he didn’t hear that wrong. 

That night, Jaehyun requested so kindly that his hair be dried by Mark one last time, for memory's sake. Like falling into bad habits, Mark sits behind Jaehyun as he towels off his wet hair, hands gentler than he used to. 

After Mark finishes and puts the towel down, Jaehyun only lifts his covers and tells Mark to sleep with him, like how they used to.

“C’mon,” Jaehyun asks, his signature smirk glued onto his face. “Just tonight.” 

And Mark knows he shouldn't give in, can't give in. He doubts Jaehyun even realized the weight of his words, yet Mark can feel it dragging in his chest, like a pendulum hanging from the hollow of his diaphragm. But his muscles ache and his head hurts, and he feels like he can only stop the tightness if he broke apart his ribcage and tore out his heart himself. So he gives, one more time, and he lays himself down next to Jaehyun. 

It's Jaehyun who hums contentedly and grabs at his waist to tug him closer, until they're face to face; Mark can feel the puffs of breath warm against his cold skin, can feel Jaehyun's eyes scan over him and everything he can see in the dark of their room, the moon not out to play tonight. He can feel the heat travelling through his fingertips onto his waist and, oh, what Mark wouldn't do to have things be like this forever. 

But they weren't anything. Just best friends. Best friends who loved each other platonically with as much love as a friendship could hold before it started breaking at the seams. Before Mark toed the line a little too hard and all of his love came rushing out like a dam whose gates had broken open. 

And maybe if just one last time, for tonight, Mark would let it flood out of him because it's too late to stop it. The gates will close once they are empty sometime soon enough, because Mark knows he isn't what Jaehyun wants, isn't what he needs; and just like winter, even spring has to end sometime. 

Mark knows it's a dream because he’s suddenly back in high school. There’s no noise like there normally would be, and Mark can’t feel his feet on the ground. To the left there’s a classroom that Mark somehow knows he’s supposed to be in. He walks through the door, his old English class filling the seats. 

“Uh, sorry I’m late,” he says to a teacher who isn’t there. It sounds like his voice is lost to the void, no sound coming out to anyone but him. No one turns to face him, no one even seems to take notice that he had even walked in late. But Jaehyun does. 

It’s Jaehyun who gestures him over, smile on his face. Mark sits in the empty desk next to his, which are now pushed together because they were doing a partner project. The people are probably saying something from around him but Mark can’t hear it over the empty noise in his ears and seeing Jaehyun smiling at him. 

They lean against each other as they fill out the worksheet, illegible words written on the paper. Mark can only make out a few of them, and they are all of Jaehyun’s name. He hopes he didn’t fill out anything wrong and get docked for it. Then again, the teacher isn’t even here. 

Mark swings his feet, going sideways to kick at Jaehyun’s as well, who does the same to him. All the noise Mark couldn’t hear before comes flooding into his ears, and he turns curiously at the sounds. 

The scene changes quickly: Mark and Jaehyun are now in his old room. Jaehyun is laying down on Mark’s mattress, Mark’s head resting on his chest as he himself sits on the floor. He can feel Jaehyun’s rumbling laughter, yet he can’t quite make out what he says. Jaehyun’s fingers card through his hair and Mark can feel his head get fuzzy. 

“Isn’t it sad?” Jaehyun asks.

“What is?”

“That we can’t wish on the stars.” Mark turns his head to look up at where his ceiling once was, now replaced by the night sky. Stars wink in and out of the darkness and Mark watches some pop into his field of vision as he looks around. A shooting star passes by, but Jaehyun doesn’t say anything about it. It’s only a dream. 

“I’d wish on all of them if I could,” Jaehyun mumbles.

“For what?” Mark asks, turning his head to look at Jaehyun, who only grins back. 

Somehow, Mark already knows the answer is him, even without Jaehyun saying it.

When Mark turns his head back up, all the stars have disappeared from the sky as the clouds begin tinting orange, and it takes him a moment to realize he’s looking at the ceiling of his dorm.

There’s an uncomfortable sensation of wetness on his cheeks, and the vision is already fading out of his memory. It’s not the first he’s had about this kind of thing, about Jaehyun telling Mark exactly what he wished to hear for so long. Even in his dreams, Mark’s brain takes all these years of longing and makes it into a reality—a mirage of all his unrequited love returned. 

Without realizing, Mark sits up in the bed and remembers Jaehyun is still next to him. He’s facing away from Mark now, the sun beginning to rise and dousing him in a soft light. 

Sighing, Mark steps out of Jaehyun’s bed and moves a pillow in his place, putting on his glasses and a hoodie before slipping on some shoes and leaving the room. It’s 6am, he should have just gone back to his own bed. Jaehyun will be up in a little bit anyway to get ready for his last classes of college, but Mark can’t find it in him to want to be there when he does. 

_Fuck finals_ , Mark thinks as he walks out of his last one. His last one ever, he should clarify, but he still hates it. The walk back to the dorm never felt this good though, knowing he might not ever come back to the stuffy halls and crowded laundry rooms. Might is the keyword; for all he knows, he could have absolutely bombed the last final, but he’ll keep his hopes up. 

As he shoves his key into the lock, he hears some music playing softly. Quietly stepping in, Mark sees Jaehyun just standing in the room swaying to the ballads that come from his beloved bluetooth speakers— one of the few things he left unpacked. 

Jaehyun turns at the sound of the door and grins, walking over to him. Catching Mark’s wrist, he tugs him to the middle of the room while pushing the knuckles on his right hand to drop the key and lace their fingers together instead. Jaehyun grabs Mark's free hand and places it on his shoulder, smiling sweetly as Mark tries looking everywhere but at Jaehyun's face. 

“Dude, knock it off,” Mark says, with no bite. He’s squirming in his arms a little but not enough to break out of the hold. 

“It’s the end of the semester, I’m celebrating,” Jaehyun replies smoothly. Mark's working hard to not be charmed out of his socks, but even as Jaehyun's hand makes way to his waist, he knows he's already lost. He exhales hard and lets himself dance with Jaehyun as a new song plays. 

The windchimes in the courtyard ring as almost summer wind blows by them, the sound carrying up to the open windows on the third floor where it mingles with hushed voices singing about wanting. Jaehyun’s blends nicely with it, and Mark imagines the buzzing in his fingertips are from the soundwaves being carried through their bones.

“Don't let me forget,” Jaehyun says.

“Forget what?” Mark asks nonchalantly. They both have terrible memories. 

“Uni, everything we did,” he starts, voice dragging lower at the end of his words. There’s a pause between words where Mark feels his heart race horribly and he only prays Jaehyun can’t feel it in how close their palms are pressed together. “And you. Don’t forget me after this, you know how much I love you.” And Mark almost jerks out of his arms.

It's not anything new, they've said they love each other countless times. But it's the first time Mark's heard this sentiment since March. He forces himself to let out a short laugh.

They rock gently together for a while, Jaehyun even going as far to add a few spins. Mark's genuinely giggling by the end as they sway back and forth to the beat, his eyes shining and his teeth all shown. It’s four minutes of bliss that Mark wishes would last years, but all songs will end, so relaxes his grasp from their interlaced fingers. They’re still smiling and breathing in the lyrics that sit around them.

The muscles in his chest quiver a little out of stress, and he hopes his voice doesn’t waver as well. “I love you more,” Mark replies with a tight throat and a little late but he means it, God, he means it with his whole heart. 

He loves Jung Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun laughs, something natural and light, and it feels like Mark might be 7 years old again, meeting Jaehyun under the warm sun for the first time, years ago. In this moment, Jaehyun looks so happy, Mark’s heart might break. Every 11:11 wish he so diligently made, every birthday candle, and shooting star, it all came down to right now. To the moment where Mark could see Jaehyun like this.

“I love you most.” Mark can see the smile spreading on Jaehyun's face as they repeat all the words they've said so many times before. Even if Jaehyun had said it a hundred times and only meant it once, it’s good enough. 

For the first time, Mark pulls himself away before Jaehyun can, even though the last thing he wants to do is to let go. But Jaehyun doesn't even look hurt, doesn't look like he even realized Mark had pulled away just so that he didn’t need to feel Jaehyun do it. 

If the sky fell just then, Mark would never know.

Mark and Jaehyun graduated college on track with everybody else, and had skipped the graduation ceremony in favor of getting the diploma mailed to them and a daytime excursion to Disney as a celebration. They shared a Dole Whip together and rode the teacups enough times for Jaehyun to state that he never wanted to spin in his life ever again. 

Mark and Jaehyun both got a job quickly after graduating: Mark freelance writing while also taking up a job as an editor, Jaehyun as a choir teacher at a nearby elementary school; and every so often they will meet, catching up over a home cooked meal and nightly news. 

Some time a year after graduating, Jaehyun found a beautiful alto to harmonize and fall in love with. Mark watched them court each other for nearly 5 years.

“Why don't you just marry her?” Mark asks after dinner. 

It’s winter now and the snow falls slowly outside the window behind Jaehyun’s head. His girlfriend just got up to take a shower, leaving Mark and Jaehyun in the dining room with their dirty dishes. She left on purpose so she didn’t have to wash anything, Mark thinks. She’s always been smarter than them.

“Well...” Jaehyun trails off. He glances to the bathroom door to see if it's shut—not that he has anything to hide, but he thinks personal matters should stay personal. 

“Are you nervous? Do you think you might drop the ring?” Mark can't think of any other reason; they've been smitten for that long. 

The silence fills the space and all Mark can hear is the tick of the clock somewhere in the living room. Jaehyun doesn’t answer, just brings his bowl to the sink and starts the tap. Mark’s eyebrows knit at Jaehyun’s avoidance, but he brings his own dishes to the sink as well, and takes it upon himself to wipe the table. 

It’s quiet in the house except for the sounds of running water from multiple sources. Once Jaehyun has finished the dishes, his girlfriend steps out from her shower into the kitchen, immediately spotting Mark at the table diligently, and messily, cutting fruit. 

“Stop it Markie, you’re a guest. Let me cut it,” she scolds, grabbing the knife from his hand.

“But-”

“Honey, you do this every time. It’s okay.” She’s rolling her eyes at him and his persistence to be a good guest, even hitting him lightly on the arm for doing something as little as wiping the table. “You should’ve left it to me or Jae.” Taking a seat, she finishes cutting the rest of the fruit while Mark sits next to her again, stealing pieces off the plate. 

“I know you go to take a shower just so you don’t need to wash anything babe, don’t scold him,” Jaehyun cuts in. She looks up and gasps, faking hurt. 

“What a liar? Was he always like this Markie?” 

“Yes,” Mark jokes easily, a smile on his face. 

After another hour or so of talking, it gets late enough that Jaehyun’s girlfriend retires for the night, giving both Jaehyun and Mark a kiss, and telling Mark he needs to visit more often, before disappearing into the bedroom. 

“Well, I'll head out," Mark says. “Wouldn’t want to miss the bus home.” Jaehyun nods and stands up, walking with Mark to the door and watching him as he puts on his shoes. 

Mark knows Jaehyun is thinking hard about something, but he doesn’t want to pry. Jaehyun would tell him things in his own time. And if he didn’t, well, then maybe Mark didn’t need to know.

Unexpectedly, Jaehyun breaks the silence first, blurting out what must’ve been on his mind. “Do you remember uni?” 

“Uh. Sure, yeah. You told me not to forget. Why?” Mark says, taken aback. 

“Just…You asked why I haven’t proposed yet.”

The air doesn't still yet, though Mark can feel it getting close. “Okay, and is this twenty questions? What does uni have to do with it?” It’s Mark’s turn to ask, and it takes a minute before Jaehyun chooses to speak again. 

“Do you regret it? What we did...?” Jaehyun trails off. He's fidgeting—something he never does. Mark scoffs and pretends he doesn't understand, but his heart still clenches at the memories that he's tried suppressing.

“Why would I?” Jaehyun presses his lips together trying to find a way to ask the right questions.

“I mean like, did you love me?” Mark’s eyebrows knit together, feigning uncertainty, but he knows what Jaehyun wants.

“You’re my best friend, of course I loved you.”

“Mark,” Jaehyun chides, tiredness barely seeping into his tone, “You know what I meant.”

It’s been years, Mark is better now, and the reminder only feels like a mocking slap. Like someone grabbed the rug from under him and yanked it out hard as they could. Mark looks at the big clock in the living room, which reads a silver 11:11, and his eyes almost close in hopes of wishing himself out of this. 

He belatedly remembers the memoir he wrote for Jaehyun, a messy pile of papers like a loose diary tucked away into a drawer he doesn’t open anymore; several unorganized thoughts about what it felt like to fall in love with a friend he couldn’t keep. 

It never would have worked anyway, Mark's brain supplies. Jaehyun liked change, loved thrill, wanted variety and some way to escape what he had in high school. Being with Mark wouldn't have ever done him any good—Mark, who clings so fervently to the past, to when Jaehyun would say he loved Mark back without hesitance; to when Jaehyun used to add “I” to the beginning, and now only two words hang heavy between them each time. 

Had he known that this would be the outcome—still, years later, nursing the longing feeling of wanting someone like Jaehyun to want him back—he might not have looked at him like a god all these years.

What does he say? He could lie, say Jaehyun hasn't been on his mind since university ended, been in his fleeting thoughts as flowers bloom and the petals are carried away by the wind just the same; could say it wasn't Jaehyun who taught him that Mark could love someone else as much as Mark loved him; could say it isn't Jaehyun who he's envious of—not because he fell in love with someone else, but because he can fall in love at all. 

He could say all these things, and yet something tells Mark that Jaehyun doesn't want to hear that, doesn't need to hear that now. 

Maybe one day, when Mark has already signed the DNR, or he's at Jaehyun's grave, or maybe halfway into his own, will he tell him all these things. That Mark rose with the sun every day for over two decades to see Jaehyun smile; that the moon danced off his face like liquid love dripping from porcelain skin every night they lay together, twisting fingers and words of endearment; that today, as the snow falls and Mark looks at Jaehyun (sweet, strong, beautiful Jaehyun), he wishes he had gained his heart instead. 

Mark sighs, the tightness growing in his chest as he stands by the door that Jaehyun holds open, a barrier between the warmth inside and the cold out. 

“And if I did?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from a comment on the last chapter: the reason why i chose jaehyun as the other character is because i wanted someone who was seemingly unattainable. perfect, beautiful, or at least presenting themselves in that way.  
> also want to say that im pretty diligent about uploading once a month and im going to stop that. i want to write and publish on my own time without the feeling of a deadline, i guess. fics might still come out once a month, who knows.
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/ivyclvb)


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